Oh My God, It Is So Difficult To Have Kids...

This is not a story about how hard to get pregnant and try to have a baby.

This is about how hard it is raising kids.

I am a mother of 3. The oldest is 8 years old. He is in 3^rd grade now. This afternoon I was really mad at him because he was being lazy. He did not want to do math exercise I made for him to prepare his examination next week.

I don’t know what my feeling is right now. Am I sorry for angry with him or….I don’t know! I am not sorry but it seems not right.

I think it’s kind of habit that I am angry.

I don’t like this.

When I was just being a mother I had promised to myself that I wanted to be a good, caring and loving mother.

I love my kids. But I could not help myself not to get angry to them.

I forgot when it started, maybe about 2 years ago that I could get angry so easily. I thought because I was too stressed for only being at home, not having a job and only doing house stuffs.

So, when situation has changed and I still have that bad habit, I thought that is something wrong with me. I don’t want to be an angry person, be an angry mommy.

I want to be a caring and loving mommy.

That’s why I promise to myself that I will not get angry so easily especially get angry so easily to my kids. And it works, I did not get angry so easily to the kids since then.

But this afternoon, I, once again, could help myself for not being angry.

I made an exercise for my kid to prepare his examination next week. Because I had a bad experience for letting him being lazy and study hard only a night before the examination. I knew I was really bad on teaching him that night, full of yelling and screaming and a bit hitting (so sad to remind that). And of course, as we can predict the result was not as we were expected.

I don’t want to repeat that night experience; it was a nightmare not only for my kid but also for me. That’s why I wanted to teach him little by little, slowly by slowly, so that I have more patient to teach him.

I almost did it, not getting angry so easily; I was calm, very sympathetic asking him to do the exercise. I think I really did it. I could keep my promise not to get angry to my kid.

But oh…God….seeing him having many excuses for not doing that exercise….whining about how many pages I gave him (it was only 2)….made me….I could not help for not angry!!! (Am I to over react?? Do I need help???)

I was screaming…..and yelling…..and screaming……and yelling again….I was so sad that I could not keep calm….It hurts inside that I needed to angry to my son.

I don’t know what feeling is this….regret for yelling and screaming to him?? so sad for the result that I failed keeping my promise to be a good, caring and loving mother??

I feel so empty now…

I feel like I am a worse ever mother in this planet….I am so sad to know that and I can only say is that OH GOD, IT IS SO DIFFICULT TO HAVE KIDS!!!.